Freeman

It Was Only Therapy 

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It took three and a half steps to reach his favorite faux leather chair place adjacent from the exit door in the excessively clean waiting area. He was precise in this way, counting every step and breath it took to get from one place in that building to the next. It took exactly twenty-six steps of his size nine shoe to get from the lobby down the dark narrow hall into her office. He enjoyed the counting of that walk the most. That was where he was able to see her and have her focus only on him. It was the time where he was one session closer to getting her to fall in love with him. He envisioned going the distance with her, tying the knot tighter than any knot he’d ever tied before. He wanted a family with her more than he wanted connections to his own family. He’d spend hours at work or even at home to decompress mapping out every piece of their life. He didn't bother worrying about what she would think or if she’d disagree because he knew that a good woman just simply followed the lead. 

He sat crossing one leg over the other in the chair with one hand placed on top of his knee and the other placed gently on the arm rest. His back stretched high towards the ceiling having each vertebrae extended past what he felt like each single one could stretch. He felt dominant and authoritative when he sat this way. Wanting her to notice him when she walked slowly from her office to greet him in the way she did everyone, but felt personal to him. He was usually the only one there at that time (something he knew since he chose this time purposely) so there was no way that she could not see him. There was no way she could miss every bit of his six-three build, hair that was never out of place due to his excessive use of gel, and smell of his painfully strong aftershave immediately after he entered the building. The white marble floor was bright and shiny enough for him to see his reflection which he enjoyed thoroughly. Using it as a mirror to ensure that nothing about him caused him to fall into a category like those other male patients she saw. He was an alpha male and those boys stood no chance.

 He sat in the therapy office waiting impatiently for his name to be called. It was taking longer for her to come get him this time which he suspected was because she was with someone else. He could take it if it were a woman, but to have a man, a man other than him that she comforted and consoled would make him boil like a pot cooking rapidly on a stove. As he thought about these things his face began to drip with sweat and he became red like every food product containing red dye 40 that he tried to avoid. What did those men have that he didn’t? More money could hardly be an issue seeing as he was one of the top lawyers in the entire state of Massachusetts. Looks were also out of the question when comparing those pathetic lowlifes to the likes of him. If People magazine knew he existed there would be no doubt about it that he’d be the “Sexiest Man Alive ''. What he could be for her was endless. Her protector, knight in shining armor, her best friend. No, her only friend! She would need no one but him for every role in her life. He was open to negotiate about female friends, but he would suggest that she only stuck with family.

 He was always called by his name before presenting herself at the entryway before they walked down the hall one behind the other, usually with him following her so his eyes could track everything on her. Starting slowly at the top of her head working his way to the start of her blossoming curves. He could only imagine her body against his as she switched with each step. She only needed thirteen steps from where she called his name to her office and he enjoyed each and every one. He waited until she was only eight steps away from him. He would rise from his chair repositioning the cushion that his lanky body would deeply impress. He would not make his way towards her until everything about him would look just right. His pinstriped suit needed to be neatly laid upon his body with not a ruffle nor wrinkle in sight. His tie was placed in the middle of his neck with the long part leading towards everything he wanted to offer her, but she was too oblivious to take.

As he moved toward her to head back to her office he began analyzing each detail about her that could have been different from the last time. Her hair had seemed to grow a little over a millimeter, her nails a light brown almost tan probably to match the season. She loved to coordinate in this way. Her favorite red bottom shoes that he completely lusted over like a dog chasing something it shouldn’t have. If she could afford red bottoms that meant she had serious money, the type that would make them the ultimate power couple he thought. He also seemed to notice the things that hadn’t changed about her. The way that she still only had one tattoo, the star on her right calf, the silver tennis bracelet with exactly twelve diamonds representing her birth month, December. Despite never being told this, he happened to remember from the text reading “Happy Birthday, Sis” from a number she hadn’t yet saved. He didn’t recall her having a sister the last time that he had researched her lovingly. He enjoyed that she was a mystery not directly stating the special details of her life, but instead making him investigate each piece of her complex puzzle.

 He had only been coming to therapy for three months, but his dedication to her had been at an all time high ever since they first met. Initially, he didn’t want to come to therapy. Therapy was for those that were sick, unwell mentally, not like normal people in society and he was everything but those things. However, his wrathful behavior at work forced him to take leave until he completed therapy. Originally, he was meant to only be in therapy a month with the expectation that when he came back he would no longer continue the behavior that sent him to therapy in the first place. No longer could he be able to inform clients of how stupid their problems were or show up late to meetings because he “didn’t feel the need to be there”. He also wouldn’t be allowed to sabotage his coworkers' work or belittle them consistently. What he saw as creating a tough workplace environment, the victims of his actions saw it as a workplace they could no longer stand to be in. He masked his improvement when it became time for him to slowly integrate back into work. Although no one believed that he had been cured from his excessive rage, no one felt the need to argue against him returning since he decided to continue therapy.

 Upon entering the room he was hit with a cloud of that week’s current candle, Sensual Amber. He took a deep breath trying to grasp each component of the candle. He smelt the way in which the vanilla mixed thoroughly with the amber scent, but not in a way that was overpowering. He understood why she loved it so much. He made a mental note to buy the same candle once he left his session today. He admired and appreciated how she was always right. Always choosing the best options. So why hadn’t she chosen him yet? Was he not right for her? Did he not present himself as the best option for her life? He knew everything about her, the things she told him, the things he searched privately about her when he sat alone missing everything about her. 

Carefully he sat down on her red plush sofa trying not to disrupt any fiber that held it together. It was essential for him to appear that he cared not only about her, but the things that she cared about as well. He gently moved her pillow to the side so that he could recreate the straightness in his posture that he had in the lobby. When invited to share about how things had been going since the last time he had a session he stated, “My life. . .” He stopped slowly trying to search around in his brain to find the words that best matched what side of him that he wanted to present during this session. He continued sounding more confident this time, “. . . has been quite stressful. As you know I am one of the best lawyers practicing right now and I am up soon to be named partner since my triumphant return.” He paused to see what sort of reaction she might have. He was hoping that she would melt over this news and praise him for how accomplished and successful he was. He wanted just as much as he needed for her to worship him and insert him into her life permanently. 

She sat cozily in a chair crossing her legs in her tight black pencil skirt. Her smile was as warm as the candle that burned around the room. With ease and pleasure he gravitated towards this smile knowing in his heart that it was different from what she gave her other clients. He was only there for a short while soaking in her beauty and fantasizing the love that he could give her if she’d just open her eyes and look! He was disrupted when she spoke in a low soft and quiet tone.

She spoke shortly after hearing his big news knowing that he wanted reactions and responses immediately. This was something that she learned shortly after meeting him for the first time. She had been asked what she thought of him towards the end of their first session and as she looked over her notes trying to gather a response that was appropriate and as accurate as possible she was met with a hostile and demeaning tone. Questioned on whether or not she was even qualified to be a therapist. Asked over and over again what she saw causing him to be flawed and inferior and to ignore his questions though at the time she saw nothing to reflect his words. She had learned from this time quickly not wanting to use the security button that was connected to her clipboard that signaled to security in another room that she needed help. She wanted to be there for him knowing that he had a lot that needed to be worked through, but his temper was an unexpected bomb that would blow whenever.

 “Oh my goodness! Steve, that is amazing. When will you know whether you have gotten the spot or not? Is there anyone also going for that same spot?” Her head tilted to the left and she leaned forward a bit more in her seat. She seemed genuinely interested in what he had to say. There was always a lot happening to Steve, though she wasn’t sure how genuine any of it was. 

She wasn’t quite sure of the facial expressions that he was making towards her response. She did not mean to upset Steve in any way, but his expression did not only show that he was thrilled by her response. She looked at face trying to deeply read what he might be going through and if he would explode in any minute. She wondered what thoughts could be racing in his mind, which one had the possibility of winning. Did she convey somehow that she thought he had no chance of winning? Maybe in some way after her response he felt as though after his endless tangents about all that he had done, how many cases he had won, and all of the “stupidity that his coworkers somehow contained in their worthless bodies” she had made him feel not listened to. Despite these emotions that he seemed to quietly be going through, she decided to move forward anyway.

She leaned back in her chair thinking carefully of what she might say next. She knew him to have a temper like no other. Sessions with Steve were like battlefields and she had to choose her next step carefully to avoid disaster. “I see that you are confident about how the vote will swing Steve. I fully believe in your capabilities though I do wonder what makes you so sure you will come out on top. I hope you don’t find an offense in my questioning I -” she was cut off prior to finishing her statement.

            “No. . . I do not find offense in it though I do wonder why you’re asking such things. I know over time we have discussed this being a possibility, but before today you thought it was a great opportunity. I guess I am just wondering if this was no longer the case.” He said as he tried to contain the inner bull inside of him. The one that knew how to do everything but stop. 

She knew that there was a possibility that he was outraged that she believed any other outcome than the one that he had proposed. She looked at him trying to analyze what emotions might be sparking within him. “Steve, it isn’t that I think differently now, it is just that I want you to be prepared if this doesn’t turn out the way that you would like it to. Is it possible for us to imagine this? To come up with some useful tips just in the slight chance you don’t become a name partner this time?”

He scoots forward on the sofa looking at his suit carefully to make sure nothing got out of place. There were only two things that angered him most: someone downplaying his ability to achieve something and a smudge in his appearance and right now he could only handle one of those two things right now. “What use would these elementary exercises be to me? Every session it seems like I am trying to get you to understand and at what use?” Before she can get a chance to talk and turn it back on him as usual, he unlocks his phone with the keypad typing in her birthday, “12-18-98” and begins calling out different dates.

 “September 19, October 5, October 27, November  9 and now November 18. All of these dates where you have outraged me in ways I cannot explain plainly for you to understand. I tell you about my job and you misunderstand simple terminology, but your Facebook claims you went to Yale. I tell you about a woman I have feelings for and you tell me to pursue her as if I haven’t been trying. I have given you so many signs it could be a road test.”

“Steve. . . while I do care and want to get to everything it is you have to stay, I am a bit concerned and even a little bothered by something you mentioned. How are you aware of my Facebook? Why did you even feel the need to search me? I want to help you be the best version of yourself, but it must be done in a professional manner. Do you know what I mean?” The candle lit her face more clearly now and it was evident that she was a bit startled by the way her demeanor shifted and her body stiffened like a board. 

“I have tried to be professional! I didn’t even want to come to therapy, but when I did I realized how special you were and how special we could be if you would just give me a chance to be someone other than your patient. I come week after week, session after session and yet you still don’t see me wanting you, craving the very thought of you! I try endlessly to be the man of your dreams. Day and night I learn from your social media, pay close attention to you in person and yet you still don’t see me!” He stood up quickly getting on his knees and kneeled before her chair. “Don’t you want to know what we could be?”

She moved back in her chair and began gathering materials from folders labeled “Helping Exercises” and “Therapist Recommendations”. She coordinated the different papers in separate folders and handed them over to Steve who she realized hadn’t moved from his knees. “I believe the best way for you to get the help that you need is if you get help from someone else. In the meantime keep practicing your exercises. I wish you the very best and I do hope you get name partner Steve.”

He remained quiet for a while reflecting on how everything just went down. He went from feeling like a top dog to now just a dog with his tail tucked between his legs. His eyes shifting through each corner of her office soaking in everything he would never be able to see again. He was Steve, one of the top lawyers in Massachusetts and not having this one woman wouldn’t stop him from being that. With that new understanding of himself he stood faster than it took him to get down there in the first place and walked over to a picture frame located diagonally on her desk and began to fix his clothes. He turned to her, taking the folders quickly from her hands as he stared at her. “You will never find someone like me and that will always be a loss of yours” and with that he blew out her candle and left not bothering to count any of his steps on the way out.

LaNeki Freeman

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About the Author

LaNeki Freeman is a writer with an interest in fiction, nonfiction, and occasional poetry. She loves finding ways to impact others through her writing as a way to connect with others through her words. She is often inspired by different books she has read, various creative writing classes, and her peers.